Between the Folds

Another couple of weeks down. I used to cross off every day on my calendar as I completed it.  I guess it was a way to remind myself that time was still moving, that I was moving forward. I stopped doing that a long time ago, though.  It started with me forgetting a day, then a few, then a whole week.  A week ago, I realized I had forgotten to mark off my calendar for several weeks and decided to just stop the process.  The page for the month of September sits empty just as it did on the first of the month.  When the time comes for the calendar to turn to October, I won't cross anything off or have any sort of ceremony.  I'll simply turn the page.

If you haven't seen the documentary that shares a name with the title of this post, I highly suggest it.  It's free in its entirety on Youtube.  It's a documentary primarily about origami and some real world applications of the science and theory that defines origami.  To me, though, it's about more than that.  It's about finding meaning in life and how people can find meaning in amazing or sometimes strange places.  I recall this film because I often think about why I'm here.  What am I looking for in Peace Corps?  What meaning is there for me to find here?  When I was in America, I felt a need to be more connected to the world.  I had been out of the country a few times, but, when I did, it was only for a short time and I was very sheltered, ushered from one event to the next where we talked about culture, but never really took the time to observe it.  I also felt like I was more useful doing work like this rather than taking a job in America selling advertisement space.  Now, while my traveling and learning about the world certainly isn't close to over, I've temporarily satisfied that craving.  I'm experiencing new things every day, which I suppose is one of the core desires that pushed me towards Peace Corps; the desire for variety.  With that craving satisfied, I'm able to focus on other things like what I'm actually trying to do in the short and long term.  I think in the short term, Peace Corps is good for me.  I need to finish out my commitment here.  Failure to do so would be nothing sort of devastating unless it was completely out of my hands (i.e. Ebola spreads further north).  In the long term, I still haven't really figured it out.  I have these ideas of getting an MBA and a Public Policy degree and going into International Development in some capacity, but I don't know what I actually want to do with that.  It just sounds like a logical progression, something a normal person interested in Peace Corps work would do after their service. Is that really what I want to do though?  Riding on the bus in Dakar gives you a lot of time to think and I was trying to pick out what I consider to be the highlights of the past few weeks, months, years.  Times where I felt the happiest.  I noted that while I was satisfied with the work I'm doing in Peace Corps, it hardly helped me sleep at night.  The work to be done is so massive and I'm not one to celebrate small successes.  When I'm working on a project and a small step is made, I turn my focus to the next one and only at the end can I relax.  The problem with this work is that there is no end.  I'm not saying that I won't continue to participate in the development community after Peace Corps.  I just don't know if it's what will give me the peace of mind I need in the long term.  I went back to the drawing board and thought about times when I was at peace.  Happy and zen, if you will.  When I looked at it that way, I realized that I really was the most at peace when I was playing ultimate.  Now, I've always loved sports, so this wasn't a huge surprise to me.  I've always assumed that I was too unathletic to play them at a high level, though.  I thought about working in and took an internship in the business side of sports for a while, but it just didn't feel the same and I ended up dropping that idea for Peace Corps.  I'm beginning to challenge the notion of what my body can and can't do, though.  I believe that you can't get out of your body what you don't first put into it and I haven't ever put a lot of work into my body.  I've stayed active and ate well, you know, enough to stay reasonably healthy, but I've never really pushed myself and my athletic ability.  I had this thought a few days ago, but gave it a little bit of time before I wrote about it just in case it was an adrenaline rush talking or something else like that.  It seems to me that I'm for real this time because for the last few days, I've woken up at 7am and gotten a workout in, something that I've never done consistently before in my life.  I also feel motivation that I haven't felt in a long time.  I hate running.  I absolutely just hate running with no purpose, but now, I want to do it.  I feel like I have to.  This is a change that happened almost overnight.  I'm now extremely motivated to push my body to its limits and play ultimate at the highest level I possibly can because I've realized that ultimate is my origami.  It may not have the same noble ring to it as International Development, but it makes sense to me, leaves me at peace, so that's what I'm going to do until it no longer makes me feel that way.  I'm not sure what that means for my professional prospects after Peace Corps, but I know that for the remainder of my service, I'm going to focus on getting in the best shape I can and become the best ultimate player that I can while still fulfilling my responsibilities.

So, that was the major personal development of the past few weeks.  If it sticks, it is certainly a very major development.  Anyway, on the work side of things, this upcoming week figures to be pretty slow as the major holiday of Tabaski will take place on October 5th.  Tabaski, or Eid al-Adha, celebrates Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his first-born son for God.  As Abraham was about to strike, God provided a lamb to sacrifice instead.  Therefore, on this day, Muslims pay homage to this sacrifice by slaughtering a lamb, goat, or ram and giving a sizable portion of the meat to charity.  Here in Senegal, it's the biggest holiday of the year, so not a lot of work will get done for about a week before or a few days after.  There are a few things I can get done in the mean time and a few things I've tabled until I had more free time that I can get started on, but I'll use a decent chunk of this time exercising and recovering.

A Tale of Two Cities

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  I imagine a lot of volunteers would use that famous phrase to describe their experience.  Maybe it's the malaria medication, but highs feel so much higher here and lows so much lower.  I suppose it's the isolation of it all.  When I got assigned to Dakar, I thought that meant that I would be working closely with staff and other volunteers.  I assumed that I'd see someone from Peace Corps on most days.  In reality, there are weeks, WEEKS, where I interact with only my host country and work partners.  I try to set time aside to talk to my folks at home every weekend, but that doesn't always work out.  Even when it does, it's just not the same.  I hear their voice and see a grainy image of their face on my screen.  We have a conversation and it's always so refreshing, but it's just not the same as seeing someone in person.  In many ways, I  am alone out here in this concrete wilderness.  That must certainly play a lot into the volatility of emotions out here.  When you succeed, there's nobody who you have to share credit with and, when you fail, there's nobody else to blame and nobody else to lean on.  The buck begins and ends with you.  In many ways, I'm alone, but, in other ways, I'm very well connected here as well.  I have internet in my room.  The national staff are all about a 45 minute bus ride away.  There are several other volunteers living within the city limits should I need them.  I have all of these resources at my disposal, but I try not to use them.  The more I get used to it being just me in Senegal, the easier it will be to do 2 years here.

On the work side, I've mainly been trying to refocus my priorities since returning from PST2 a month ago.  I've stopped working with some people and picked up a couple others.  I'm just trying to focus on the areas where my skills and the partner's needs match up best.  The two projects that I picked up are both quite a ways away.  One is located in Guediawaye and another is in Zac Mbao.  Both of those are Google-able if you're interested in seeing where geographically I am.  In Guediawaye, there's a group of 7 women who have a lot of time on their hands and a desire to work, but no real idea how to run a business.  Currently, I'm taking them through the steps on how to generate and vet business ideas.  We've got it down to making cosmetic soap or designing clothes targeted at youth (these women are all fairly young).  After we decide, we'll basically do a mini business plan.  We'll look at the operations, finances, and marketing and use all of that information to decide if the business is viable.  Once the business is up and running, I'll advise them on formalization opportunities, accounting methods, and expansion opportunities.  The project in Zac Mbao is with a sole entrepreneur who has recently started a chicken raising business that also does money transfers and sells school supplies/makes copies/scans on the side.  Yes, the old chicken coupe/money transfer/copy shop combo.  She also wants to manage all of this business activity on one spreadsheet.  The problem is each part of the business has nothing to do with the others.  She's essentially running three businesses at the same time and called me in to try to make sense of it all.  I'm doing my best with her and she's very receptive to the suggestions I've made, but it's a tall order trying to make sense of such a fragmented business model, especially when she's so far away.  I'm hoping I can arrange it so that one of the next group of CEDers to come in country is assigned to her.

Nothing else really important worth mentioning.... except Ebola I guess.  Yeah, there was the one case here, but it was in the news for a little bit and died out.  No other cases, no other precautions that I wasn't already taking.  I haven't changed my behavior in the slightest and don't consider myself at risk.  There are certainly plenty of times when I fear for my life over here, but it's never because of Ebola.... I guess I should clarify what I mean when I say I fear for my life.  Living here in Dakar for a certain period of time, you realize that every time you get in a car, you're punching a lottery ticket.  Even as a pedestrian, you're not safe.  There are a lot of accidents here.  An unacceptable amount.  There's a part of you that wonders if it's not a matter of if, but when you're involved in one.  When the bus driver goes a particularly ridiculous speed down a residential road, I pray a kid doesn't jump out.  When we hop up on the curve to avoid massive potholes or lakes of raw sewage (both very common), I pray we don't get off balance and tip over.  Those are really the only times when I fear for my life.  When I put my fate in the hands of Senegalese drivers.  Because I'm aware of the danger, though, I'm always aware of my surroundings and what could go wrong.  That awareness really is the key even as a passenger.  If you lose awareness or focus, the city will take advantage in one way or another.  Stay aware, stay present, stay mindful and you can avoid the dangers of big city life.