I wrote this over the course of my last few days in Senegal. When you're preparing for such a big change, your mood can radically change from day to day. I feel like if I wrote this whole post at once, I wouldn't be able to capture all of the things going through my head. It also wouldn't be a true representation of how I feel if I wrote a long, organized post. My mood is changing. Thoughts are popping into my head and leaving. The only way to capture this, I think, is to just come back to this over the course of several days and post some thoughts. Some thoughts may be related and there's no particular order to them. I'm sure there will be some overarching themes among them, though.
-The process of saying good-bye to Senegal is surprisingly similar to saying good-bye to the US. Uncertainty, mild regret, hope? Maybe hope.
-I don't think I regret anything I did during my service. I only wish I could have done more. More travel in Senegal. More visiting other volunteers. Less wasting time.
-I believe that I am, always have been. and always will be alone. Obviously, I don't mean alone in the physical sense, but in the emotional or spiritual. This is a very complicated concept to explain. I don't mean it in a depressing way either, although there is a part of it that's sad. What I mean is that no one and no thing is coming to save me from my problems. I have to face this world and face my inner demons on my own.
-Despite the previous thought, a human life has no meaning in a vacuum. It only has meaning in relation to other lives.
-I am terrible at good-byes. I become overly callous to avoid being overly emotive. I love more than I let on which is a big fault of mine.
-There's a part of me that's just tired. I need something new. I wanted to live somewhere more rural for a while, so I joined Peace Corps. They sent me to Dakar. I think that part of me that wants to live in a rural area for a while is still there.
-I have a lot of work to do if I want to be an informed citizen. This goes for culture as well as politics. Being ignorant of the latest issues and ways of thought will be a new experience for me.
-Dakar isn't as different as you might think. There are supermarkets and restaurants and things that Americans would recognize. The biggest difference between Dakar and other cities in the US or Europe is not what is available, it's how often things go wrong. Things like power, water, and internet go out frequently. Traffic accidents are common. The police are only useful for particular things. Inefficiencies in city planning as well as simple overpopulation puts a strain on other infrastructure. At the end of the day, though, it's not THAT different.
-This administrative process should be much easier than this. I have to repay some money and was told one thing and then another about how I need to repay it. The money isn't even a problem if they would just make up their mind. Peace Corps Senegal has definitely taught me to NEVER put full trust in anybody to do their job. Always confirm that it's been done and done the way you thought it would be.
-I'm happier when I'm active, but more contented when I'm lethargic. The problem with contentedness, though, is that it implies there's no ambition. In the long term, staying static is bad.
-My go-to answer when I'm asked 'Is Peace Corps effective?' is that yes, it is effective as a way of cross-cultural communication. People learn about America through us and we (and our loved ones) learn about the world through the countries and families we're placed in. As an agent of international development and behavior change, it's not quite as effective. It does, however, provide unlimited potential. A volunteer put in the right position with the right skills can make significant, lasting impact. It's just that there are so many volunteers and so many variables that that perfect set of circumstances doesn't happen very often.
-Would I do Peace Corps again either as Response or the full two years? Not right now. I've learned not to assume I know what I will want 5 years from now. Each major life decision I've made over the last few years has been designed to give me new skills and provide me a greater variety of opportunities in the future.
-Unlike many volunteers, I went through most of my service alone. I wouldn't see volunteers even on a weekly basis (excluding the last couple months) nor did I have some central place we could all congregate in. I had no local supervisor or community counterpart assigned to help me learn the culture. Having to do it all myself was empowering and tiring. In a different world, I might not be so ready to not be living abroad anymore. I might be looking for more.
-Living abroad is so important to developing a healthy worldview. I wouldn't make it mandatory during high school or between high school and university since there are legitimate reasons why it wouldn't benefit somebody, but I would at least make it tough to get out of.
-The times where I haven't had constant access to Internet and TV have
given me a lot of time to explore my interests. I now know a lot more
about philosophy which is something that I'm very happy about. It's also allowed me to get back into reading which is something that has given me some great ideas to think about.
-I've also been exposed to other things that I wouldn't have normally done in the States like fasting. While I won't necessarily be continuing each of these experiments in the States each of them taught me something.
-Coming to Peace Corps provided me with an opportunity to make some changes in terms of my dress, behavior and habits Some of the changes were good, some didn't stick. Leaving Peace Corps provides me with a similar opportunity.
-At the end of the day, Peace Corps is an experience not like any other. I don't know exactly how it prepares me for my future, but I can't regret having done it. It's allowed me to see and do things that I couldn't have any other way. For that, I am thankful.
As one final message to the people I've served in Senegal with, I'd like to take a page out of Senegalese culture and ask for your forgiveness. I'm sorry for the times I've hurt you or done wrong by you. I know my faults are many and I'm doing my best on them. I hope we meet again somewhere, someday.